You jokes

What's the only branch of the government that actually listens to its people?

NSA

I think I'm failing my marine biology class

My grade is below C level.

An old lady Offers the bus driver some peanuts to which he happily eats....

Every five minutes she gives him more peanuts... Driver: why don't you eat them yourself? Old lady: I can't chew I have no teeth look! Driver: Then why do you buy them? Old lady: Oh I just like the chocolate around them.

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

What do you call a gay guy in a coma?

A tomato

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

I can sympathise with batteries.

I am never included in anything either

What’s it called when a flower gives head?

Floral

Water is heavier than butane because...

Butane is a lighter fluid.

Two blondes fall into a well

The first one says “wow it’s really dark in here” the other says “really? I can’t see anything.”

I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.

Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.

I became a proud dad today!

Well my son is 4.. But he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years.

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

My chameleon couldn’t change colors, so I took him to the vet...

Poor guy was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

What do we want? Ominous warnings! When do we want 'em?

Soon.

A Linux sysadmin walks into a pharmacy.

"ephedrine?"

"I can't serve you that"

"sudoephedrine"

"There you go".

how do you know you are a real redneck?

you let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.

My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today

He's had the costume on for the last 20 years