You jokes

I try to fill the void in my life with food...

But it always goes to shit.

My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh harder

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

“If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup?

Because one more would be too farty

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends their "partner in crime". Like we get it dude she's underage

Two economists are walking in the park.

The first economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the other, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50. Later on, the second economist sees a pile of dog shit and says to the first, "I'll pay you $50 to eat that pile of dog shit." So he does and gets paid $50.

The first economist says, "I can't help but feel we just ate dog shit for nothing." "Nonsense," says the second economist, "We just contributed $100 to the economy."

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

Epileptic Santa

He seizures when you're sleeping.

I wish I could be a fossil.

Only then would someone dig me.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes

It was the end of my Korea

How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

To show a deer how it's done.

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

Did you hear about the librarian that was killed in an earthquake?

She was crushed by a title wave.