You jokes

For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!

I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay techniques....

I had to fast forward through all the boring bits in the beginning though.

My marriage counselor asked me to think of something me and my wife have in common....

I said, "Well, we both refuse to suck dick."

A group of introverts is called an oxymoron

Please help me

The entire neighborhood got together to discuss what to do about that crazy guy on our street ...

... I'm a bit annoyed that I was the only one not invited.

So my 6yo tells me a joke

What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me something smells!

For years, my wife and I had sex as soon as we woke up. Sadly, she passed away.

Now I wake up every day with mourning wood.

Where does 007 invest his money?

Bonds. Stocks and bonds.

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

How does the mummy plan to destroy Superman?

He's going to lure him into the crypt tonight.

What is the area at the Danish/German border called?

The DaneGer zone!

I'll show myself out.

What soup weighs two thousand pounds?

Wonton soup.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge.

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer. "How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly?" he asks. "99.97%," the engineer replies confidently. The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around. "Guess I'm swimming then."

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?

Drool

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder.

"That's my step ladder", he said. "I never knew my real ladder".

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

Why do people on the iss use linux

You can't open windows in space

I once knew an arrogant sponge.

he was very self absorbed.

A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked. He asks, "honey, why are you standing there looking at yourself naked?"

She responds, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 35 year old"

Her husband responds, "hmmm...did he say anything about your 60 year old ass?"

She answered, "No actually we didn't talk about you at all"