You jokes

As a father I am granted 3 things in life:

1. I am allowed to have a dad bod. 2. I am allowed to make dad jokes. 3. I am a certified mother fucker.

I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell?

Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

What happens when a Buddhist cowboy dies?

Reintarnation

How to always be positive in life:

| life |

I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"

I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"

During sex with my wife,

I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said "What the hell are you doing?"

And I was like "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

What's the difference between OP and a Pregnant woman?

She delivers.

"So you're saying that the entire universe, and everything in it, was created by one being? No way."

"Yahweh."

I was so excited about how well my psychiatry appointment went

But when I got home, I couldn’t find any of my roommates to tell them

I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"

I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".

A man walks into the doctor's office and immediately drops his pants....

The doctor sees a small leaf of lettuce hanging from the man's anus. (Rather redundantly) he asks "What seems to be the problem here?" "Oh doc," the man replies, "that's just the tip of the iceberg."

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

There isn't a home page

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism

Because they're still alive.

Did you hear about the obese millionaire?

He has a four chin.

I dressed up as a UDP packet for Halloween...

...but I don’t think anyone got it.

MTV turns 40 this year.

Thanks for 14 years of music.