You jokes

I used to think my girlfriend referred to me as a camel because I drank a lot of water...

Turns out it was because she could never get more than two humps out of me.

What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?

This place is 5k from a school, right?

Woman has a sore throat and asks for help

So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.

The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"

The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.

Coworker asks "Did it work"

Woman says "Yes! And your husband couldn't believe that this was your idea!".

Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day

Call that luck of the IRS.

I believe it when they say Kim Jong-un doesn't pee or poop...

Why else would he be so pissed and full of shit all the time?

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

I had a teacher that refused to fail anyone...

No "F"s given.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

Ladies call me The Weather Man

I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.

Educated People are hot

Why?

Because they have more degrees.

What do you call two crows on a branch?

Attempted murder.

Wanna hear a sodium joke?

Na

I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.

Once he went though, He said, 'Sank you'.

I Swore at him and kicked him in the Shin.

I Then said, 'Never bring up Pearl Harbor like that'

A drunk man at a bar shouts "all lawyers are assholes!"

Another man replies "TAKE THAT BACK!"

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole"

What do you call an overweight baby?

Heavy infantry

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon

The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.

I love the smell of my F5 key.

It's so refreshing.