A family with a little boy is driving behind a trash truck.
Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield. To save her son‘s innocence, his mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!" To which her son replies: "Dang, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"
PSA: Vegans and Vegetarians should stop eating brown sugar immediately!
It's made out of mole asses
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed?
"Sheet."
I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.
I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD
and found out I have Gary Busey
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you." The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could get his Master's degree.
I ate a contradiction the other day...
it constipated the shit out of me.
Geez, there's a lot of people on this Ashley Madison list...
It's a pretty bad state of affairs
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”
The man replied, “There are three reasons.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Give a man another fish and he will be, like, "fish, again?"
What did one lonely penis say to the other?
I just want to belong.
Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY
That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.
Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?
Nether. They’re immigrants in America.
Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
A: Enough to make a bone grow big and hard!
So I was at the Library today
.. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"
Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.
Heinz-sight is 20/20
Girls are evil...
(Saw this about 10 years ago)
If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:
Girls = time × money But: time = money So: Girls = money x money Which means: Girls = money^2
Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So: Money = sq.root(evil)
And now: Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2
Which means: Girls = Evil
At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years.
Ok, I'll be back in two years.