You jokes

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

People are complaining that games are too short but

New Battlefront has 4500 hours of gameplay and people are still complaining!

speak, three languages you are trilingual, two, bi-lingual, what do they call you if you only speak one language?

American

Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self...

I have selfish steam issues.

Why do the Romans use more eggs in their omelets than the French?

Because the Romans feel that when it comes to eggs, you can't have too many ovum.

But in France, they believe that one egg is un ouef.

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon?

Kermit the frog's finger.

What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine

What did the left leg say to the right leg?

"Don't talk to the guy in the middle, he's a dick."

There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my brother works.

He's missing, presumed red.

When my kid is upset I let her colour my tattoo!

She just needs a shoulder to Crayon

All the periodic jokes Argon?

I don't Zinc so.

I have a dog with no legs.

His name is Cigarette because I have to take him out for a drag.

I won $1M in the lottery

I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.

My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

A man was in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replied: "Because I really miss mine".

What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo