A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
Bartender says "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
A Texan got accepted to Harvard
A week before classes started, he decided to tour the campus to see where everything was. After a while he got lost, so he went up to a professor and asked "Do you know where the library's at?"
The professor replies, "Sorry, here at Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions."
After a few seconds of thinking, the Texan asks, "Where's the library at, asshole?"
The only thing flat-earthers fear
Is sphere itself
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A guy arrives at a music-themed costume party and the host asks him what he is supposed to be. The guy happily shouts 'A harp'. The host pauses and then says 'I think that costume seems a little small to be a harp'.
The guy replies 'Are you calling me a lyre?'.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
Roses are red,
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
What is a Karen called in Europe?
An American.
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Lost my watch at a party once.
Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
I hate it when Windows 10 resets my default browser...
It puts me on Edge every time
A week after the G7 Summit, they should have the C Major Summit
That would resolve everything.
How does a burger introduce his wife?
Meet Patty
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
Have you heard about the restaurant called karma?
There's no menu, you get what you deserve.
I called the library to try to make a reservation...
But they said they were fully booked.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....
He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.
