A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Lost my watch at a party once.
Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
I hate it when Windows 10 resets my default browser...
It puts me on Edge every time
A week after the G7 Summit, they should have the C Major Summit
That would resolve everything.
How does a burger introduce his wife?
Meet Patty
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.
Have you heard about the restaurant called karma?
There's no menu, you get what you deserve.
I called the library to try to make a reservation...
But they said they were fully booked.
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”
My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....
He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.
They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
What does the word "gay" mean?
Asked a boy to his father, to which he replied, "It means happy, son".
"Are you happy the Dad?" Asked the boy
"No son, I have a wife"
At the job interview...
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in three years?
Me: Sorry, I don't have 2020 vision
It's too early for hurricane jokes
wait for everything to blow over first.
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parents house.
Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
Son: Dad, does every father know more than his son?
Dad: Of course.
Son: “So, who invented the electric bulb?”
Dad: “Thomas Edison.”
Son: “But why didn't Edison's father invent the electric bulb?”
Dad: “It was dark everywhere, he was busy inventing Edison.”
Two spiders are at another spiders funeral.
"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"
"Starvation."
