You jokes

My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in a marathon after only 1 mile

I’ve become a running joke

"Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

“An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

The moon landing was obviously fake.

Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere.

I hate spring cleaning.

Damn things bounce all over the place.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I have ever had...

Does money even matter?

How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint?

She released the video on pornhub.

(Too soon?)

Suicide Bomber

They said, "If you blow up the building, you'll get 72 virgins when you go to heaven!" I said, "How about I just vandalize it for 5 sluts right now?"

What's a word that starts with an N ends in an R, and is something you never want to call a black person?

Neighbour

I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trigonometry, I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.

There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

How does Moses make tea?

Hebrews it! Hahaha, get it? He fucking brews it

I was just fired today, simply for telling my co-worker that her hair smelled nice.

I think they are discriminating against me for being a midget.

My hot flight attendant asked how I liked my coffee.

Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "that's cute honey, but the coffee is free. You don't have to pay for it here"

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?

Tequila Mockingbird