You jokes

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

A man walks into the doctors and says he has something wrong with his penis...

... the doctor says “Ok, take off your clothes so I can do an examination”

The man does as he says and the doctor examines his penis

The doctor says “Sir, I’m afraid you need to stop masturbating”

The man says “Why?”

The doctor says “Because I need to do the examination”

My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing.

It was very hard to hear that.

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

What borders on stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.

What organ in the woman's body is still warm 15 minutes after her death?

My cock.

What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey's blood?

Tastes like ass.

A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

One of the generals takes a ruler and starts to measure. But he does not find the balls.

General:Where are your balls marine?

Marine: In vietnam

I named my first dog "What".

Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."

Why do gay people smile so much?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

"So did you hear Bruce Willis passed away?"

"Really? How?"

"Suicide. Overdosed on Viagra and Cialis."

"That's terrible!"

"Well, he always wanted to Die Hard."

What's the difference between a hipster and a homeless man?

An Instagram account.

They said that my dad was gay.

Now I am trying to figure out which one.

Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily im in the other 5%

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

IKEA Lesbian beds

Now on sale at IKEA –Lesbian beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove.

People who have Only Fans,

What is stopping you from upgrading to an Air Conditioner?

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.