You jokes

I used to hate Nihilist humor...

but nothing is funny to me now.

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*

His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with two people is called a twosome...

then I know why people call you handsome.

Dads are like boomerangs..

..I hope.

How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on. Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses? Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

Why do people consistently make bad chemistry jokes?

Because all the good ones Argon.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos

If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked...

...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.

I was walking in the park...

..and I saw a beautiful girl. I went up to her, spark flew, she fell at my feet and before I knew it we were having sex.

God do I love my new taser.

Coffee

When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.

Really? I have the exact opposite.

Wow, seriously?

Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?

They both get stoned after sex.

We argued all day about what to call a medieval soldier

But it was getting late so we decided to call it a knight.

Why did the King take a second job as a bartender?

When it reigns it pours.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy....

....but he was 0K.

Angry Mom.

Last night, I was trying to annoy my little brother. I kept tickling his feet... and my Mom went fucking crazy and screamed: "WOULD YOU WAIT UNTIL HE'S FUCKING BORN!?!?"

I don't have a great relationship with my doctor.

In fact, I feel sick every time I see her.

What is the opposite of progress?

Congress

What’s white and blue and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A fridge in a denim jacket.

I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pool.

If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.

Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.