A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....
"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
What is the opposite of ladyfingers?
Mentos!
Hank Hill got a job working in a BDSM store.
He sells pro-pain and pro-pain accessories.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.
What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
A little get together.
"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...
And now my pet snake has a huge tumor
A little girl comes home with $20
And runs straight to her mum
"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"
The next day the girl comes home with $50
"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"
The mum replied
"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"
The girl responded
"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"
Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...
...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
There was a pretty awkward silence at the dinner table, so I decided to talk about the crashing of the titanic.
That seemed like a good way to break the ice.
What's black and screams like fuck?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What do a G-string and a barbed wire fence have in common?
They both run along the property line without distracting from the view.
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.
Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?
One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.
What do you call a chicken haunting your home?
A Poultrygeist.
Why shouldn’t you hang your diplomas on the refrigerator?
Because a refrigerator shouldn’t have too many degrees.
This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations." The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."
How do you get a little old lady to say the f* word?
Get another old lady to say "BINGO!"
A man hurriedly walks into a bar
Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight
BT: here you go
Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight
BT: here
Man: again, before I get into a fight
BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting
Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.