You jokes

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

A little girl comes home with $20

And runs straight to her mum

"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"

The next day the girl comes home with $50

"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"

The girl responded

"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

There was a pretty awkward silence at the dinner table, so I decided to talk about the crashing of the titanic.

That seemed like a good way to break the ice.

What's black and screams like fuck?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

What do a G-string and a barbed wire fence have in common?

They both run along the property line without distracting from the view.

You know what I find odd?

Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

What do you call a chicken haunting your home?

A Poultrygeist.

Why shouldn’t you hang your diplomas on the refrigerator?

Because a refrigerator shouldn’t have too many degrees.

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations." The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

How do you get a little old lady to say the f* word?

Get another old lady to say "BINGO!"

A man hurriedly walks into a bar

Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight

BT: here you go

Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight

BT: here

Man: again, before I get into a fight

BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting

Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.

I love self deprecating humour...

Too bad i suck at it.

We were so poor when I was growing up

If I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

Why do churches ban Wi-Fi?

Because they can't compete with an invisible power that actually exists

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa

Because they make the gifts

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .

It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'

Baby Roach: "Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?"

Papa Roach: "Suffocation. No breathing."