During OJ Simpson's First Trial, He and his lawyer are in the bathroom...
they are both standing at the urinals and the lawyer can't help but notice that OJ has Nicole tattooed onto his dick, he leans over and says "Between you and me, I know you killed your wife, so why did you have her name tattooed onto your dick?"
OJ answers "Just because she is dead, doesn't mean I can't beat her."
What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines?
It gets tau'd.
Czech and a Mexican
A Czechoslovakian and a Mexican go camping, while they were in the woods the Czech gets eaten by a bear. So the Mexican runs to find the park ranger and says "park ranger a bear ate my friend" The park ranger and the Mexican find two bears, a male and a female. The park ranger asked the Mexican which ate his friend he points to the male and the ranger kills him and guts him there are no remains of the Czech man in the bear. Moral of the story never trust a Mexican when he says the Check is in the male
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews.. only 1 star
A necrophile "You're dead to me."
I don't know if thats a threat or a compliment, either way I know I am fucked.
No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice
*No they don't, oh no they don't*
PETA should respect Steve Irwin by eating him and using all his parts, not letting anything go to waste.
That's how my uncle, a hunter, explains "respect" anyway.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
One came, one saw, and one conquered.
A man tells a Rabbi that he has the desire to live forever. "What can I do?"
The Rabbi said: "Go and get married."
"Will I then live forever?" the man asked.
"No, but the desire does go away".
I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.
I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.
I used to be addicted to hokey pokey
But I turned myself around.
My wife said last night "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game"
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
What do you call a female turtle?
A clitortoise.
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says
"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says
"Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks
And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.
This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead
Knock knock
Whose there?
Little boy blue.
Little boy blue who?
Kevin Spacey
Why do people never eat clocks?
Because it’s really time consuming.
I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."
So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.
I asked my physician why he hits people on the knee with that little rubber headed hammer
He said "just for kicks"
I've heard that Argentina is starting to get a little colder...
In fact, it's bordering on Chile