Jokes

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

My sister thinks she's so smart; she said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at her.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.

They say people are 75% water. But I'm 100% useless.

Girl: "Come over." Orphan: "I can’t." Girl: "My parents aren’t home ;)" Orphan: "Oh, cool, something we have in common."

What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.

"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1...2...3...4...5..." Did you notice you said nothing at all?

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

When it's been Halloween for a few months but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

How do you turn any salad into a Caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? Dark humor would be saying ten babies in one trashcan. Morbid humor would be saying one baby in ten trashcans.

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini due to his skill in disappearing.

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

How did the orphan become famous? They said “Go Big or Go Home.”

Why did I walk across the road? To get hit by a car.

What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.