Jokes

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

It cost me an arm and a leg!

When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.

Impressive.

Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Birthdays are great...

... but too many of them will kill you.

A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.

He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"

"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.

To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"

"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."

"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.

"Bad boy"

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

What is the definition of a will?

Come on guys it's a dead giveaway

What's Vlad the Impaler's favorite joke?

So this bar goes into a guy...

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.

A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a rum and.............cola"

"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.

The bear shrugs and says "I dunno, I was born with them."

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose

Why is dark spelt with a 'k' and not a 'c'?

Because you can't 'c' in the dark

Sixteen sodiums walk into a bar...

...followed by Batman.

The earth was flat...

Until they buried yomama

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic ?

Someone who lies awake at night, wondering if there's a dog.

I just won a farting contest.

The judges were blown away.

My favourite lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all lawyers are assholes.' A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!' 'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies. 'No I'm an asshole!'