Jokes

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq

.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

I often wonder if my Thai girlfriend is actually a ladyboy...

Something inside me says, yes.

Fun fact : Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

A priest and a man are standing next to each other at a urinal...

The man cannot help himself and looks over at the priest. He notices the priest has a nicotine patch on his penis. Puzzled, the man asks, "Father why do you have a nicotine patch on your penis for?" The priest replies, "well, since I've started wearing these I am down to two butts a day."

Have you heard the joke about paper?

Never mind, it’s tearable.

Perfect on the spot SFW joke

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says: "Right, this looks like a fair fight."

The p‌‌olice c‌‌alled t‌‌o t‌‌ell m‌‌e t‌‌hat m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he h‌‌ospital.

"How i‌‌s s‌‌he?", I‌‌ a‌‌sked.

"Very c‌‌ritical", r‌‌eplied t‌‌he o‌‌fficer.

"The f‌‌uck i‌‌s s‌‌he c‌‌omplaining a‌‌bout n‌‌ow?"

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

Several thousand letters were just delivered to me

That's the last time I order a fucking dictionary from IKEA.

My vision is like 2020

It’s terrible

My dentist pulled a wrong tooth

it was accidental

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

An Indian family went into self quarantine

after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.

I called the tinnitus hotline

but it just kept ringing :/

I asked my 5 year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday?

She said, she wanted unicorns,fairies and rainbows.

LSD it is then.

You know they say orange is the new black

I guess that's why Trump is president

Have you heard of the sexual maneuver called the "Reverse Hitler"?

It's where you ejaculate inside of an anus. i.e. create 6 million lives in a gas chamber.

What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?

The cold Shoulder.