Jokes

I was once cornered by Dwayne Johnson in front of a Hallmark store.

I was caught between a Rock and a card place.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Ladies call me Subway...

because I’ve got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

What is a drunk Mexican's favourite book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

I'd tell you a joke about healthcare...

...but the Americans would struggle to get it.

What is the most sensitive thing on a man when he is masturbating?

His hearing.

An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.

The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:

“Where were you on the night of October to April?”

My best friend and I just started a business where we weigh microscopic objects.

It’s ..a small scale operation.

Did you hear about the silence last week?

Neither did I.

An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution

Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.

A linguistics professor

... was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

...the first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: 'dad, can't you just use a sponge?'

I like my women like I like my golf game.

Mid 80's with a slight handicap

I only know 25 letters...

I don't know Y

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

Found 4 fox cubs

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

What's the difference between a good joke?

and a bad joke timing

What do you call it when someone gets their whole face tattooed?

An everlasting job stopper.