Is my wife a pervert?
So I was standing looking out my bedroom window whipping one off to my neighbors gorgeous wife who was sunbathing, when I turned around to see my wife standing there looking at me! So my question is do yous think she’s some sort of pervert?
My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library.
I said it's for shelf-defense.
My grief counsellor just died
Luckily he was good so I don’t give a shit
how do you make gold soup?
put 14 carrots in it.
I'll show myself out.
Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...
But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left...
Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses
He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''
Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
If Poly means many then...
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
A cop stopped a guy for speeding...
Cop said: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
The guy replied: “I was trying to keep up with traffic”
The cop said: “But there is no traffic”
And the guy answered: “That’s how far behind I am”
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...
Next week we're going to go on a date
A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions for a while
A Priest needs to go to the bathroom and asks for a Nun to hear the confessions while he is out. The first person to arrive it's a gorgeous woman, who says:
-Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I had anal sex with some random guy in a bar.
The nun, shocked doesn't know what Penance to give to the Lady, but an altar boy was passing by so she asks him:
-What does the Priest give to people for anal sex?
-Usually a hamburger and a coke.
Hindus are so chill
i’ve never had beef with any of them
My grandpa just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?”
Grandpa: My hip replacement.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't. They're too busy arresting the light bulb for being broke and beating the room for being black.
How I lost my Teeth
I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said “how about giving me your number handsome”
I looked at her and asked “Do you have a pen” “sure!” She said.
So I said, “ Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you’re missing!”
My dental surgery is this Friday!.
I wanted to volunteer and do something good this holiday season...
So I helped these dyslexic kids write letters to Satan.
If the USSR got back together
Would it be called the Soviet Reunion?
I had to cancel my dsylexics meeting tonight
I never go out on Friday the 13th
Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...
...never to be heard from again.