Jokes

George W. Bush couldn't decide what country to invade next...

He says, "It seems we're stuck between Iraq and a hard place.."

What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed across the room, that means its good.

hold up

if bedbugs live in beds where do cockroaches live

Why did Karen press CTRL + ALT + DELETE?

She wanted to see the task manager...

Mario goes to court

The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”

Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”

The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”

Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”

My friend said she teaches circuit training classes..

I'll bet she's the driving force behind her students' motivation.

If lesbians don't like men, then why do they use dildos?

Because scissoring just doesn't cut it.

There's something crazy I really want to try in bed..

Getting 8 hours of sleep

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

A recent study shows that 9/10 men prefer women with big boobs.

I think the 10th one prefers the other 9.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down

Have you seen the clown at Walmart that hides from gay people?

Of course you haven't.

What did the Dried Fish say to the other Dried Fish?

Long time no Sea.

Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

My wife didn’t understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague.

I had to remind her it’s a shady business.

Nothing better than shutting the door and jerking off after a long day

And it's even better if the uber has heated seats

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.