Jokes

How is a woman like a condom?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick!

Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word

I can't tell you how angry I am

What do Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono?

They both live off dead beetles

First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by. She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

Tennis ace Novak Djokovic has refused to take the Coronavirus vaccines

He's now known as Novax Djokovic

I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails

He said yes as long as there are no attachments

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

I just made money for the first time as a programmer

I sold my laptop

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

I’ll call it my oughtabiography.

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

Break ups are the worst in China...

You see her face everywhere.

When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

A joke from Kyiv.

A Russian soldier calls home from Ukraine.

- Did you take Kyiv? - No. - Did you take Harkiv? - No - What did you take then? - A blender, a washing machine and two fur coats

You know what sucks?

Negative Pressure

A blonde joke.

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

What's Thanos' favorite drink?

Snapple

Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?

Or am I just breadjudiced?

Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!