Jokes

99.9% of people are idiots

Fortunately, I belong in the 1% of intelligent people

Why was the transgender person upset about people getting their name wrong?

Because it was hard to pronouns.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America?

They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

I went to the Premature Ejaculators Anonymous support group today.

Turns out it's tomorrow.

England is like a father to me.

Both don't come home.

“Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”

“Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant, Doctor?!”

“Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”

What is a good slogan for an abortion clinic?

Don’t kid yourself

Embarrassing moment at docs

I was sitting in the doctor's . The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc,I said . "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

How are Donald Trump and a jack o' lantern alike?

They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out the first week of November.

When you take a pen name ....

... that's a nom de plume.

When you take a name for war, that's a nom de guerre.

When you take a name for an eating contest, that's a nom de om nom nom.

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .

My gondolences

I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.

This guy came up to me in the gym.

He said, hey...what's your secret?

I said, I poo with the door open

What is a Halloween themed Fleshlight called?

A Jackoff-lantern.

We should stop making fun of fat people

They have too much on their plate already