Jokes

How many gynecologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'm asking because mine had to call like six other guys in to help him, and I'm really starting to wonder why I needed one installed down there in the first place.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute?

I cry when I chop up an onion

My dick had a hard attack...

Which led to a stroke.

A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"

The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"

One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.

So I poisoned his cookies. But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

A slow swimmer.

I used to have a Spanish girlfriend called Nada

She meant nothing to me

A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions: "Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?" "Yeah, it's on 3rd street." "What, right next to the brothel?" "What? No! The brothel is on 17th street." "Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

Make the little things count

Teach math to midgets

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I just started a diet. Here's a recap of Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house

It was delicious

Why is Tigger so dirty?

Because he plays with Pooh

Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Patient Why?

Jew problems

An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"

The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

A Seventh Grade Health Class

was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"

My wife recently got a seashell tattooed on her thigh.

When you put your ear close to it, you can really smell the ocean.