An old man is lying on his death bed...
... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."
How did Christopher Columbus find India?
He used Apple Maps.
You know Apple is run by men...
When they call it an iPhone 6+ and its only 5.5 inches.
A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..
The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
An Apple store I was at today just got robbed.
I guess that makes me an iWitness.
If you don't believe 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'...
...try throwing it harder next time.
Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China
Why did Steve Jobs die?
Because Apple kept the doctors away.
If A is for apple, B is for banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
What do depressed people and apples have in common? They both hang from trees.
Why can't you compare Donald Trump with Steve Jobs
That'll be like comparing apples and oranges
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got pissed
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows!
Apple wanted to make a smaller ipod just for kids...
But they decided that Itouch Kids wouldn't be an appropriate name.