Bank jokes

People

The people that work at my bank are so nice!

Every time they call, they say my loans are outstanding!

Employee

"Thank you for the glass of milk earlier", I said to the sperm bank employee.

"What glass of milk?", he replied.

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

"Oh my god!"

Me: What?

"That was my glass of milk."

Joe

Joe was standing in line at the bank...

... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.

The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".

In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you out.

The man looks at him and says: Yea? I'm a lawyer, you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me!

Man

A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang! The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

Violin

At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"

"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."

Robber

What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

License

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

Sperm bank

Sperm banks be like:

Get a load of this guy

Difference

What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?

One's a pro, and one's a con.

Blood

Me: When I donate my blood

I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

Lottery

I won $1M in the lottery

I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.

Sperm

I just successfully robbed a bank!

Now what to do with all this sperm...

Men

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations." The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

Director

The director of the sperm bank summoned the blonde receptionist.

\-It's nice that you're polite to people who drop by here, he began, -but when they're on their way out again, I think you should say something other than, -"Thank you for coming!"-

Job

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 2 back to back 12 hour shifts. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse, and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the surprised teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"