Believer jokes

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears

Henceforth, I was terrified of cockroaches

"Can you believe that after all that shit they're still together?"

Who? "My buttcheeks."

Two male deer are leaving a gay bar

One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”

Woman has a sore throat and asks for help

So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.

The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"

The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.

Coworker asks "Did it work"

Woman says "Yes! And your husband couldn't believe that this was your idea!".

I believe it when they say Kim Jong-un doesn't pee or poop...

Why else would he be so pissed and full of shit all the time?

Neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3AM

My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3am. Can you believe it!? Luckily I was still up playing the drums.

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing “I'm a Believer”...

Then I saw her face...

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

“HEY! So what did you get for Christmas?” The second little boy pauses and says “well I got a gift card and a t-shirt...you?”

The first little boy excitedly replies ”Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can’t believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt!” to which the second little boy replies “well...at least I don’t have cancer...”

If you only believe in 12.5% of the bible

You're an eighth theist

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein first proposed that Time is Relative.

Seems like only yesterday.

Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..

Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

Why do the Romans use more eggs in their omelets than the French?

Because the Romans feel that when it comes to eggs, you can't have too many ovum.

But in France, they believe that one egg is un ouef.

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

I can't believe...!

Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!! Person 2: Who?! Person 1: My ass cheeks.

I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol

proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.

She believes I’m just after my money.

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I named *Cakeday?"*

His mother sighs. "Your father believes it is the best way to earn karma."

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa

Because they make the gifts