Book jokes

At last, someone's written a book about herb erotica...

It's about fucking thyme

Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.

You know Harry's going to be in it.

(credit sickipedia)

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off; you won't bring it back!"

I walked into a bookstore

Me: "Do you have any books on turtles?"

Worker: "Hardback?"

Me: "Yeah, with little heads."

The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?

Because he keeps repeating Chapter 11.

Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?

Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.

Me: Yeah, that’s the one.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.

I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

Communism works on paper

Unless that paper is used in a history book

You wanna know why I got kicked out of the library?

I moved all of the women's rights books to the fiction section.

Laughing Dog

A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it. When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said: " I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film. "So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"

My friend was just crushed by a bunch of books!

I guess he only has his shelf to blame

I came home and found my books all over the floor

There's nobody to blame but my shelf.

Went to the book store for the Christmas sale “1/3 off all titles”

I got a lovely copy of “The Lion, The Witch”

What's a difference between a crusade and a homicide

In one, you murder for a book and in other you are booked for a murder.

Three men book into a busy ski lodge

So they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job." Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream." Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!"