Call jokes

What do you call a Persian lesbian?

A flying carpet muncher.

I'm so sorry.

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

What do you call a prostitute who does both men and women?

An omniwhore.

What does trump call the loose skin around a vagina?

A woman

What do you call a person that takes care of chickens?

A Chicken Tender.

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

“I want you to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “£200 and it’s yours.”

What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house?

Mortgage Freeman

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

If you call a girl beautiful 1000 times she won't really notice. But if you call her fat once, she will never forget...

That's because elephants never forget.

From my 7 y/o

What do you call a bunch of hairdressers having a party?

A Barber-cue

What do you call a Communist Sniper?

A Marxman.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

Friendship: Men vs. Women

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

What do you call an evil cat, who only lives to be an ass hole?

A cat.

BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This infuriates the President, who then asks what could be worse than that.

The Secret Service informs them that it’s Melania’s handwriting.

A Frenchman staying at a hotel in England calls room service and asks for some pepper...

"What kind of pepper would you like, sir? Black pepper, white pepper, red pepper?" asked the manager.

He replied, "Toilette pepper!"

Why is it called "canning" if it's storing things in glass containers and not cans?

Because renaming it at this point would be jarring.

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

The furniture store keeps calling me back.

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.