A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.
He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.
When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.
What do you call a semi truck with it's load half empty?
Pessimist Prime
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
I'm no Trumper but these so called "health experts" are liars!
They said a mask and gloves was enough to go to the grocery store!!
When I got there, everyone else also had clothes on :/
What we call a monster we can't find?
Wherewolf.
What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds?
Chevy Chase.
What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?
A pepperonly pizza!
What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?
A stroke of luck.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose ?
Nobody knows
What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?
A food fight.
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
I hate it when guys call their girlfriends their "partner in crime". Like we get it dude she's underage
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to his bullies?
An ambulance.
What do you call a bass player without a GF?
Homeless.
Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.
He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky
What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?
An Opti-Mystic.
What do you call recycled calculus jokes?
Derivative humor.
What do you call a case of premature burial?
A grave mistake.