An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
...the first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.
Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?...
I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".
A man notices his wife's butt is getting big
I bet your butt is as big as my grill."
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?"
"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.
A book fell on my head...
I can only blame my shelf.
An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'
The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'
What's this "✌"?
A Roman ordering 5 more beers.
joke by Art Pozner. He told me I could take it with me, and in his honor, you can take it with you.
Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Of course they can!"
I just discovered that I can talk to cats
They probably don't understand me but still
What's the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed across the room, that means its good.
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
Neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3AM
My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3am. Can you believe it!? Luckily I was still up playing the drums.
So I was at the Library today
.. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"
What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?
Can I crash at your place tonight?
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not really good for anything, but they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
They told me i couldn't eat the food i forgot in my basement 50 years ago
Little did they know i can
I've just opened a casino for dogs where they can play roulette, poker blackjack etc...
They'll have to go outside for craps though.
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00
He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,
"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,
"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"
I like to masterbate while I jog
That way, when I’ve finished, I can turn around and see how far I’ve come.