Car jokes

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

Car company executives must have the best memories in the world

because GM recalls everything.

My favorite sex position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway

The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"

Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."

The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"

• ⁠

Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."

A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway

Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

My Wife told me to treat her like a princess

So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel

Joke told in the Soviet Union

(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)

A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says “Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up.” The man replies “Morning or afternoon?” The dealer says “Well, 10 years from now what difference does it make?” The man replies “Well, the plumbers coming over in the morning.”

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear. Other bar patrons decide to be good samaritans and to take him home. They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. Mission accomplished, they prop him against the door jam and ring the doorbell. "Here's your husband!" they exclaim proudly. "Where's his wheelchair?" asks the puzzled wife....

What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos

Topless carwash

So these kids in school are trying to find new ways to raise money. They suggest a few ideas, all of which are shot down by their teacher. Finally a kid says ‘I get it! We should do a topless carwash!’

Very carefully, the teacher asks: ‘what do you mean?’

The kid says, ‘well, we can’t reach the roofs of the cars, so we will just do the sides and the front and back’

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green

At least I avacado

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.

He asks the driver whats wrong.

Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"

A woman's husband dies and gets cremated

She takes the ashes home, puts them on the porch and says, "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know that new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispered, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes"

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help. I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

If you run behind a car you will get exhausted...

But if you run infront of a car you will get tired