Car jokes

What happens when you park your car 6.28 feet over the lines?

It gets tau'd.

I removed the rear view mirror from my car.

I haven't looked back since.

As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat fucking cows."

"What was that?" snapped my wife.

"You herd."

A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...

and spots a speeder.

He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."

The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

Rich friend and a poor friend meet a day before Valentine's Day

Poor man asks - What did you buy for your wife for valentines?

Rich man - A Mercedes C class and a diamond necklace

Poor man - why a necklace ?

Rich man - so if she doesn't like the car she can return it and keep the necklace, what did you get for yours ?

Poor man - a pair of slippers and a dildo

Rich man - why a dildo?

Poor man - so if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?

He winked at me and said "Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......"

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife

I thought that was an awesome trade

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 years. The guy replies "because the plumber is visiting in the morning".

Old Soviet insider joke. Pardon any English mistakes.

What’s the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

Do you know a way to really freak out someone who works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

Why did I walk across the road? To get hit by a car.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

What do you take care of after a car crash? The witnesses.

Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*

Car roof: *slaps Isaac Newton*

A car gets pulled over

Policeman: "sir, you were driving above the speed limit here. Give me your licence".

Man:" this must be a mistake. I was driving below the speed limit. I always do..."

Woman: "Darling, you know it isn't true".

Man: "shut up you stupid cunt".

Policeman: "sir, license please".

Man: "I already told you I wasn't overspeeding".

Woman: "it was way above the speed limit, dear".

Man: "I told you to shut up woman."

Policeman: "ma'am, does this man mistreat you?".

"only when he is drunk".

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

My sister bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face as I was drivin pasta!

I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

So, I went to the doctor...

She asked "What brings you here today?"

I replied "My car."

And then she looked down at the form, shook her head, checked a box, and commented under her breath: "Not sexually active."