A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?
He parks his car, man.
If the bigger your shoes, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick...
...then no wonder so many people are afraid of clowns.
Two rapists
Two guys are driving a car when they are stopped by the police. The guy opens his window and asks what's going on. The police: "We are looking for two rapists." The guy closes his window and the police sees the two guys discussing and making gestures. Finally the guy opens his window again: "Okay, we're in."
A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.
They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.
One sign read "The End is Near!"
The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"
He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.
He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.
One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"
What do you call Spiderman when he parks his car?
Peter Parker
I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.
Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.
A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says,
"Audi".
I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.
I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.
What happened when the car took LSD?
It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!
Gender roles are changing. Nowadays some women get mad when you hold a car door open.
Particularly the ones on bikes.
One minute you're young and fun...
The next minute you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.
If a man opens the car door for his wife
You can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.
I left two Justin Beiber tickets in my car and
some bastard broke in and left two more.
How is your first car like anal?
You don't want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway.
“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”
“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”
“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”
“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”
I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.
I was recently complimented on my driving skills
Someone left a note on my car that said "Parking Fine"
A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."
Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"