Car jokes

Apparently I snore so loudly

It scared everyone in the car I was driving!

A Woody Joke

What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car

With Wooden Seats

Wooden Tires

And A Wooden Engine?

It Wooden't Start

Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving

A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, "The brakes must have gone out." The programmer says, "Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable."

do NOT use shampoo as lube

It will completely fuck with your car

Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

So the cops caught me doing doughnuts in my car today.

I know what you're thinking. Who the hell names their dog doughnuts

Last night my wife wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

And she wanted me to drive

Beer

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

An Eskimos car breaks down and a man from New Zealand pulls over to help him out. He has a look under the bonnet and says “looks like you’ve blown a seal” the Eskimo replies

“So what you f**k sheep”

A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

Oh hey, Larry's sporting bling in his ears

Joe: When did you start wearing earrings?

Larry: Since the day my wife found them in my car.

Taxi

A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,

"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken" he asks the driver

"Sure" the driver replies

"Ok" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car.

I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights

He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on the ground in excruciating pain asks why he shot him the cop says “what was I supposed to do? you were waving a firearm!”

Mercedes for Sale @ $1

Someone put up this advertisement. No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car. The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1. She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?" The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".

I had a little car accident

On the way home from work, I had a little car accident, I braked hard, but still hit the car in front of me. A cute blond got out and shouted "Ram me up the arse why don't you"?.

This, your Honour, is where the confusion began.....

I was walking by a car filled with bIack people and as I came near they locked the door. I felt like such a badass

Then I realized that it was my car..

I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car

Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me