Everyone jokes

COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

How ungrateful people are

My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.

Success is like giving birth...

everyone congratulates you in the end but nobody knows how many times you got fucked in order to get there.

I farted in an Apple store and everyone got pissed

It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows!

Apparently I snore so loudly

It scared everyone in the car I was driving!

Everyone in Texas thinks Texas is great...

But on a scale from awful to great Texas is just below OK.

So everyone knows why 6 is afraid of 7. Can you answer this, How did 10 die?

It was trapped in the middle of 9-11

My friend always tells everyone that he's a private investigator,

but within our group of friends we know he's just a gynecologist.

A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!

Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire

...on average.

One day Canada will rule the world

Then everyone will be sorry!

I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.

Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians.

Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!"

One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!"

You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"

To everyone out there suffering from Paranoia

Just remember you're not alone

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mama

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Australia, everyone knows it's down there but nobody gives a damn.

I managed to shoot my very first turkey today, pretty proud of myself actually..

..though everyone else in the freezer section seemed a bit unhappy.

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".