"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,
"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."
My Wife was dying
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.
If you were food, what would you be?
Friend 1: Pizza because I’m so cheesy. Friend 2: Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends. Me: Donut because I’m so empty inside.
My flat earther friend decided to prove his theory by walking to the end of the world
In the end, he came around.
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
Where can I find someone to hang out with and share a companionship?
Asking for a friend.
My friend traded a sausage for a seabird.
He's taken a tern for the wurst.
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it's literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!
He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.
My drunk friend got kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row.
He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.
A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.
My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"
I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too.
One too.
How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big?
Ostrich-sized.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days.
He says life could be a lot worse, that I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.
I know he means well.
Ten years ago today, I married my best friend
My wife was pretty upset about it, but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was funny
When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend
But then I saw the next two letters.
To be honest a good percentage of my friends are Nazis
That percentage is zero. See! That’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have
My best friend ran away with my wife....
I miss him.