Friend jokes

Star Wars

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...

... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

Harry

Harry can’t tell the difference between his potion brewing pot and his best friend...

They are both cauldron.

Moustache

So I complimented my friend's majestic moustache.

No idea why she had to slap me though.

Object

I have a friend who is sexually attracted to inanimate objects.

I don't see him much though. He always has stuff to do.

Christmas

We had a trans friend come over for Christmas this year

He said he can’t wait to eat, drink and be Mary

A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.

A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by a gang of mime artists last night...

They did unspeakable things to him.

Idea

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

Christmas

My friend can’t decide what video game system to get for Christmas ...

... Nobody can console him.

Clothes

My friends told my my clothes were gay

I told them yes, they came out of the closet this morning

Farmer

My friends a farmer with a huge ego problem

All I did was ask where he was and he brags that he’s out standing in his field

Girl

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you’d look alright.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway...

Orange

My friend said to me what rhymes with orange

No. It doesn't.

Job

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

Girl

A southern girl and a northern girl meet.

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"