Friend jokes

My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter

It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

My friend is addicted to buying ladders

He uses them to get high.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...

.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

My friend told me to stop speaking in numbers...

but I didn't 1 2.

I asked a Chinese Girl for her number...

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.

He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"

"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.

To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"

"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."

"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.

"Bad boy"

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite star wars character..

You should have seen the luke on her face....

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

My friend told me a joke about a TV controller.

It wasn't remotely funny.

My friend was visiting from Barcelona, and he asked me if he could crash on my couch.

I wasn't expecting some kind of Spanish imposition!

Called an old school friend, asked what was he doing nowadays...

He replied that he is working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium, and steel under a constrained environment"

As always, I was impressed...

On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

Cant work for my boss anymore

Me: I cant work for my boss anymore after what he told me yesterday.

Friend: What did he say?

Me: " You're fired "

I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there,

He said he can't complain.

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”

“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”

“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”

“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away.

I don't know what he's up to now.

When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting.

I wonder what he's up to these days.

News from the sexual health clinic

A friend of mine received news from the sexual health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V

Not enough people mentions Jesus' biggest miracle...

Having 12 close friends after age 30!

Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic? Mom: Of course not. Son: Well neither would he.