Guy jokes

An Englishman, and Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are sitting in the back of a bar...

The bartender waved to them and asks, “Hey, you guys back there! Can you see me?”

The men look up and respond:

“Yes!” “Oui!” “Si!” “Ja!”

It's the little things in a marriage.

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"

He says, "Two aspirin". She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!! He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your fuckin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

I Screwed Your Mom

A young guy is sitting at the bar when an old drunk stumbles in, sits down next to him, and says, "I just screwed your mom." The young guy ignores him, but a few minutes later the old drunk leans over again and says, "Your mom is the best screw I've ever had." The young guy ignores him again, so the old drunk leans over and says, "Your mom's ass is so tight, I-" at which point the young man stood up and yelled, "GO HOME DAD, YOU'RE DRUNK."

What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.

Credits: my bud

Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.

The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”

Difference between a cult and a religion

In a cult, there's a guy at the top that knows it's a scam.

In a religion, that guy is dead.

The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.

When asked "Why didn't you laugh?" He responded " I don't work here"

Physicist, Engineer and Statistician are out bow-hunting.

They see a stag about a hundred feet away. The Physicist takes a shot, but he forgets to allow for wind resistance and the arrow falls five feet short. The Engineer takes his shot, but he adds too much of a fudge factor and the arrow's five feet too far.

The statistician goes "Nice job guys, we got him!"

I named my first dog "What".

Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations." The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?

The newspaper headlines the next day read:

#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#

Why does the population of Detroit never change?

Because as soon as a baby is born, some guy leaves town.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

I had a deaf girlfriend once, she left me for a guy who was also deaf.

I should have seen the signs.

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Jeffrey Dahmer

It was my birthday...

Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"

To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."