Guy orders 11 shots at a bar
Bartender says "What are you celebrating?" Guys says "My first blowjob" Bartenders says "Congrats, but why 11 shots?" Guys says "I figured by the 11th the taste would be out of my mouth. "
First dirty joke I told my parents when I was 8. The punishment was worth it.
A wife asks her husband to sweep the house.
After 5 minutes she walks in on him playing video games, "I thought I asked you to sweep the house"
"It's clean", he replies, "I didn't find any hostiles"
My wife said I was a God in bed.
Her exact words were "You're a God damn pain in my ass," but I know what she meant.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards to enter the ocean?
If they fell forward they would just fall into the boat.
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
**Best Buy employee:** a cord?
**Me:** no it's a Civic.
If everyone spells your sons name wrong...
Then you spelled your sons name wrong
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to the family.
My kids liked her, but my wife seemed pretty upset.
A man was delighted when his home was robbed
Every lamp in the house had been stolen.
I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said “It’s crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that’s just going to die.”
I said “I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...”
What do you call an inexperienced Egyptian God?
Anoobis
All the proof you need.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
what kind of dinosaur has the cleanest teeth?
A Flossiraptor
Courtesy of my 6-year old.
a bishop walks up to a bar
and the bartender says ‘you can’t do that. you can only move diagonally.’
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?
Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.
When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.
Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
A computer goes up to a guy at a restaurant...
It says, "I'll be your server today."
A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.
Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.
My wife took her shirt and bra off during an argument, which I was winning.
It was a booby trap.