A man and a wife are sitting outside...
The wife is bent over in the garden and the man exclaims "Damn! Your butt is almost as wide as the barbecue!" She proceeds to garden and brushes off the remark. Later on that night the man nudges his wife and asks her for some fun. She replies "If you think i'm firing up this grill for one little wiener, you got another thing coming."
Not my joke, I only wish I was this funny...
A Finnish joke from the Cold War
During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.
He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.
The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.
“We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure”, the general replied.
The creator of the very first knock knock joke..
Must have won a no-bell prize
Jokes About German Sausages
They're the wurst.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
There are 10 types of people in this world
Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.
A straw man, a red herring, and a MacGuffin walk into a bar.
But this joke isn't about that.
If you're a programmer, you would know:
// the real joke is always in the comments
Communists jokes on internet aren't memes
They're ourours
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap
He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven’t had sex all year.
It’s getting less funnier each day I tell her.
What's the best thing about an Oprah Winfrey joke?
You get the joke! You get the joke! You all get the joke!
People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.
But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."
My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.
Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!
This joke has no punch line
But you might get a kick out of it
Now! What do we want?
Time traveller jokes. When do we want them?
My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.
When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.
Did anyone see the joke I made about the chiropractor?
I posted it here about a weak back.
Put the punchline in the title
How do you ruin a good joke?