Like jokes

Friends are like snowflakes...

If you pee on them, they'll dissapear.

When i was younger i felt like a man trapped inside woman’s body.

Then i was born

I had sex with my girlfriend and it was just like in the movies...

I was fast and she was furious

Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

I like to start every morning with a good fuck.

Oh fuck...it's time to get up.

I got Botox and I asked the doctor “how many years younger will this make me look?”

He said “zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.”

A joke is like a frog

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

I was holding a door open for an Asian Guy.

Once he went though, He said, 'Sank you'.

I Swore at him and kicked him in the Shin.

I Then said, 'Never bring up Pearl Harbor like that'

I was buying some condoms and the cashier said "would you like a bag with that"

I said "nice try, but this wasn't funny the first 100 times I read this repost, and it isn't funny now"

During sex with my wife,

I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She said "What the hell are you doing?"

And I was like "Hush, I saw this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism

Because they're still alive.

How is a woman like a condom?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick!

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

If lesbians don't like men, then why do they use dildos?

Because scissoring just doesn't cut it.

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”