A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."
Sperm banks be like:
Get a load of this guy
Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.
I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Why do French people eat snails?
Because they don't like fast food.
My Wife told me to treat her like a princess
So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel
I used to like Mitch Hedberg
I still do, but I used to too
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...
like my name, phone number, address, etc.
What's green, slimy, and smells like bacon?
Kermit the frog's finger.
I know taking your date to a forest isn't what everyone does...
But I'm into sappy stuff like that.
My roommate is gay
There was this boy who went away to college, and came back for Christmas.
Over drinks with his dad by the fireplace, he told his dad: "Dad, I think my roommate is gay."
Dad asks: "Well, what makes you think so?"
Son replies: "His dick tastes like shit."
The moon landing was obviously fake.
Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere.
My hot flight attendant asked how I liked my coffee.
Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "that's cute honey, but the coffee is free. You don't have to pay for it here"
Officer: I'm sorry to say, it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck...
Me: Yeah but she has a good personality
Why do jewish women like circumcised penises?
What jew doesn't like 10% off?
Four gents are on the golf course...
... on the second tee box. As gent number one steps up to the tee, a funeral procession drives by. Seeing the procession, he stops what he is doing, folds his hand, and bows his head out of respect. After the procession finishes, the other gents observe that, although it was a nice gesture, it was a little excessive to stop play like that. Gent number one replies "It was the least i could do ... I was married to her for 45 years!"
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,
... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
There are a lot of double standards in dating. Like if a girl has sex with a bunch of dudes, she called a "slut."
If I do it, I'm called a "homosexual."
Studying for finals is like playing Tetris
just when you seem to get the facts to fit together, all that you thought you learned disappears.