Like jokes

A douchebag slides up to a girl at a bar and says, “I’d really like to get into your pants”

She says, “No thanks, I’ve already got one asshole in there, I don’t need another.”

I like my women like I like my wine

Eight years old and locked up in a cellar

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

Give a man another fish and he will be, like, "fish, again?"

At the job interview, I asked what is the salary like. They said I'll start at minimum wage and make double of that in two years.

Ok, I'll be back in two years.

Some people are like Slinkies.

Not really good for anything, but they can still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

I came here to make a United joke

But it looks like I got beat

I like to masterbate while I jog

That way, when I’ve finished, I can turn around and see how far I’ve come.

I like my women like my weather...

Moist and unstable.

Last week Oxygen took potassium on a date and it was just OK

Then yesterday I saw Oxygen with a date with Magnesium and I was like OMg

An English joke

American, Frenchman, Englishman and Pakistani all on top of Eifel tower.

American throws aload of money over the edge. "What did you do that for?" the others ask. "We have so much money in the states that I can afford to."

The Frenchman throws loads of bottles of wine over the top and says "we have so much wine here that I can throw as much as I like over,"

The pakistani looks at the Englishman and says "DONT YOU FUCKING DARE!"

"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"

"Yea, I know, but she takes it up the ass and is good with kids"

How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ?

Diagon alley

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to the family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed pretty upset.

The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

A guard asks a woman on death row what she’d like for her final meal.

“idk, what do you want?”

England is like a father to me.

Both don't come home.

I don't like Muslin Afghans and think people should stone them.

A good stonewash can make muslin fabric softer and more flexible which is better suited for afghans and blankets in general, otherwise just go with a soft acrylic yarn.

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein first proposed that Time is Relative.

Seems like only yesterday.

Dj Khaled is like a Pokemon

All he does is shout his name

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.