A man walks into a bar, and the second he does, the bartender tells him of a bet.
He says, "You see that meat on the ceiling? You have three tries to grab it. If you grab it within three tries, you get free drinks for life. If you don't, you've got to buy the whole bar a round."
The man contemplates for a while, but eventually answers. "Nah, I'll pass. The steaks are too high."
Three old women were sitting on a park bench...
...all of a sudden, a man ran in front of them wearing a long overcoat. He opened up his coat, and he was wearing nothing underneath. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.
A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol
So I gave it to the homeless man
A man walks into the bar...
The bartender: "Hi Dave!"
The boss faints.
A Soviet citizen turns on the TV
On the first channel, Brezhnev is delivering a speech. The man switches to the second channel: Brezhnev again. Channel three: still Brezhnev. He turns to the fourth channel, and it’s showing a KGB colonel who shakes his fist and warns: "You’d better stop changing channels..."
On their first date, a man asked his gal if she'd like a drink.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said.
Later, he offered her a cigarette.
"Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again.
On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked.
"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.' "
A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
A North Korean man frequently sneaks to the South Korean capital to gamble for bakery goods for his family.
He is the seoul breadwinner
What's it called when an Asian man gives his best friend head?
A bro job.
An elderly man is having trouble keeping his balance on the bus
His cane is slipping on the floor. On every turn of the bus, he loses his balance and barely escapes danger of falling. So he starts looking around if someone will give him their seat.
A sitting rebellious type youngster patronizes him: "Hey old man, if you put some rubber on the tip of your cane, you wouldn't have this much trouble."
The old man replies: "Boy, I would be sitting down on this bus if only your father put on that rubber"
What’s the difference between a refrigerator and a black man?
A refrigerator doesn’t get shot for running
Best Computer Science Joke!
A man and woman are in a computer programming lecture. The man touches the woman's breasts. "Hey!" she says. "Those are private!" The man says, "But we're in the same class!"
An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story:
There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umbrella against the leopard and tries to shoot. A loud bang is heard and the leopard dies on the spot.
Old man: That's impossible, somebody else must have shot the leopard!
Doctor: Exactly my point!
Magic Window
Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "That window is magic. To prove it, I'll jump out." He jumps, much to the other man's horror, and plummets 20 floors only to stop and float gently back up. "Amazing, huh? Why don't you try?" The other man is dubious, but eventually decides to jump. He plummets 30 floors and smacks into the pavement. The first man is in hysterics. "You know," says the bartender, "you're a real prick when you're drunk, Superman."
Laughing Dog
A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it. When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said: " I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film. "So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"
A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm
Says, "This is the pig I've been fucking"
His wife says, "That's a duck"
He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you..."
A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally
caught him by the organ.
News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said
Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
What is the difference between a man and a dog?
A man wears a suit and the dog, pants.