Me jokes

Going into my son's room is the same as going to Ikea

You go in just to see what's new and come out with 10 plates 3 cups and a pair of socks.

Baby are you communist?

Because there is an uprising in my lower class

Why don't vampires bet on horses?

They can't handle the stakes.

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?

Because everyone there hates integration.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq

.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

I often wonder if my Thai girlfriend is actually a ladyboy...

Something inside me says, yes.

Fun fact : Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

A priest and a man are standing next to each other at a urinal...

The man cannot help himself and looks over at the priest. He notices the priest has a nicotine patch on his penis. Puzzled, the man asks, "Father why do you have a nicotine patch on your penis for?" The priest replies, "well, since I've started wearing these I am down to two butts a day."

Have you heard the joke about paper?

Never mind, it’s tearable.

Perfect on the spot SFW joke

What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says: "Right, this looks like a fair fight."

The p‌‌olice c‌‌alled t‌‌o t‌‌ell m‌‌e t‌‌hat m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he h‌‌ospital.

"How i‌‌s s‌‌he?", I‌‌ a‌‌sked.

"Very c‌‌ritical", r‌‌eplied t‌‌he o‌‌fficer.

"The f‌‌uck i‌‌s s‌‌he c‌‌omplaining a‌‌bout n‌‌ow?"

I’m like a God to my current girlfriend.

I constantly keep an eye on her, and she doesn’t know I exist.

Several thousand letters were just delivered to me

That's the last time I order a fucking dictionary from IKEA.

My vision is like 2020

It’s terrible

My dentist pulled a wrong tooth

it was accidental

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

An Indian family went into self quarantine

after eating lunch at their English friend’s house as they couldn’t taste anything.