Me jokes

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

A programmer gets upset when he hears women shouldn't be objectified...

He demands, "Are you suggesting women are primitives?"

Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter.

I will not be coming into work today.

Dead Again

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

A tourist goes to see Beethoven's grave in Austria

And, to his shock, he sees the great musician seated next to his grave, erasing pieces of paper with his symphonies written on them.

The tour guide leans over to his visibly startled guest and says, "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He's decomposing."

How is a woman like a condom?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick!

Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word

I can't tell you how angry I am

What do Ethiopians have in common with Yoko Ono?

They both live off dead beetles

First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by. She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

Tennis ace Novak Djokovic has refused to take the Coronavirus vaccines

He's now known as Novax Djokovic

I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me

When I got my license I didn't have money for a car, so I robbed a bank. Anyway, as I was being dragged off to jail my mother wanted to know why I did it. So I told her the truth:

"I did it for the car, ma!"

I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails

He said yes as long as there are no attachments

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

I just made money for the first time as a programmer

I sold my laptop

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

I’ll call it my oughtabiography.

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

What do you call a zombie at a trump rally?

Starving

Break ups are the worst in China...

You see her face everywhere.

When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.