Me jokes

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

What do you call a party with 100 midgets?

A little get together.

"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."

I can't see how this day could get any worse. First, my baby cousin went missing...

And now my pet snake has a huge tumor

A little girl comes home with $20

And runs straight to her mum

"mummy look! A boy gave me $20 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"honey, he's just doing that so he can see your underwear. Don't fall for their tricks!"

The next day the girl comes home with $50

"mummy look! The same boy gave me $50 to do a cartwheel while he sat in a tree"

The mum replied

"didn't i tell you not to! He's just doing that to see your underwear!"

The girl responded

"don't worry mum, i took my underwear off this time"

Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...

...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.

There was a pretty awkward silence at the dinner table, so I decided to talk about the crashing of the titanic.

That seemed like a good way to break the ice.

What's black and screams like fuck?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

What do a G-string and a barbed wire fence have in common?

They both run along the property line without distracting from the view.

You know what I find odd?

Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

What do you call a chicken haunting your home?

A Poultrygeist.

Why shouldn’t you hang your diplomas on the refrigerator?

Because a refrigerator shouldn’t have too many degrees.

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations." The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

How do you get a little old lady to say the f* word?

Get another old lady to say "BINGO!"

A man hurriedly walks into a bar

Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight

BT: here you go

Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight

BT: here

Man: again, before I get into a fight

BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting

Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.

I love self deprecating humour...

Too bad i suck at it.

We were so poor when I was growing up

If I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

Why do churches ban Wi-Fi?

Because they can't compete with an invisible power that actually exists

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...