Myself jokes

What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "Bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun." And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork." The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!"

Why do orphans go to church? Because they can finally call someone father.

It's sad how families can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

My family is like a cactus: a bunch of pricks.

Do you know a way to really freak out someone who works at a car dealership?

You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.

Why can't orphans go on school field trips?

Parent Signature: _______

When you use Ancestry.com instead of Tinder.

I told the doctor I didn’t want brain surgery. But he changed my mind.

I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt suicide, guess what? I failed.

Without women, sex would be a pain in the ass.

Teacher: "Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up." Class: no one stands up Teacher: "Oh, come on. I know someone over here is dumb. waves her finger around the left side of the room." Little Johnny: stands up Teacher: "Oh, Johnny, you think you're dumb?" Little Johnny: "No, I just feel bad you're standing alone."

Other girls be like "I want a 6ft guy," meanwhile I want to be 6ft under.

The colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom. Until they are flashing behind you.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

I got a PS5 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.

Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don’t have Father's or Mother's Day.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, “You use way too much technology!”. Jim then said, “No, YOU use too much technology!” and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.