A close call.
Yesterday I was walking on the streets in my hometown Rotterdam, in the Netherlands. I was about to go to the grocery store when I saw a black man running with a TV. I was afraid of it being mine, so I ran home as quick as possible, but luckily mine was still there, polishing my shoes.
People think my diabetes jokes are harsh.
But it’s not like I can sugarcoat it.
It’s finally October, and you know what that means!
Americans might actually start wearing masks.
"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.
"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."
If a ring for a toe is a toe ring...
Then shouldn't a ring for a finger be a *fingering*
Today I ended a long term relationship.
I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.
Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?
Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”
A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."
"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for his miserable summer.
What did the stick man say after he fell on his side?
ok
Teenage sex
My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
I saw my girlfriend midway through sex with another guy.
So I pulled up my pants and told him to hide.
I only sleep with democrats.
That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.
I hate when people say my skirt looks slutty..
Like, who cares if my balls hang out a little?
Dad, are those gay cows? .....
No, they're Bison
Why are Americans so good at shooting?
We have the best schools for it
I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule
FUCK U TOO RAIN
I gave a homeless guy $5 today
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My priest told a joke during his homily today.
A man says to God, "God, how long is a thousand years to you?"
God says, "A thousand years to me is like a second to you."
"Oh. God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me is like a penny to you."
"Oh. God, can I have one of your pennies?"
"Sure thing. Just hold on a second."