Myself jokes

She dimmed the lights. She leaned in. She looked straight into my eyes.

I kissed her.

And now I am arrested by the police for misbehaving with the optician.

I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.

Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians.

Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!"

One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!"

You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"

What do you get when you cross an Octopus and a Cow

A very stern letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and immediate removal of your grant funding

I invited my buddy to a costume party and he said he was going as his dad

He didn’t show up

My buddy told me he always cries after sex.....

I told him it was his fault for getting sent to prison in the first place

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

"I'm all up for sex with handcuffs..."

"...I just think a little warning would have been nice, Officer."

Why did the console player faint at the museum?

Because there were so many frames!

Does Forrest Gump belong to Gen X, Gen Y, or Gen Z?

Nope. He belongs to Gen A.

I heard Netflix and Yahoo are merging. They are moving their HQ to Jerusalem.

They'll be known as Net 'n' Yahoo.

What plant will kill you in 5 min or less if you just stand under it

Water lily

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.

Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire

It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat

Just been chatting to my neighbor's teenage daughter

It turns out she's really into aliens and UFOs

Which is cool because tommorow she's getting abducted

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

How can you tell if your sperm count is high?

Your partner has to chew before they swallow.

A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.

Sex is like Chess

Every move you can think of already got a name

Artist: “How are my paintings selling?”

Gallery owner: “When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!”

Artist: "Oh! That’s amazing! Who bought them?”

Gallery owner: “Your doctor.”

Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich. The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kindest, skinniest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings. The man replys ma'am you don't understand me...I'm homesick.